


Icing on the Cake

by Zoe Rayne (MontanaHarper)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: sga_flashfic, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-02
Updated: 2005-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-11 20:23:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/116713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MontanaHarper/pseuds/Zoe%20Rayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone wants Rodney.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Icing on the Cake

**Author's Note:**

> This is the light-hearted, funny version of the scenario I also explored in [Strange Attractors](http://archiveofourown.org/works/116715). Thanks to Cathexys for beta work above and beyond the call of duty.

Sheppard leaned over and bumped his shoulder companionably against Rodney's. "Drink up, birthday boy," he said, the corners of his mouth curling up slightly.

"You," Rodney glared accusingly at the man sitting beside him on the stone bench, "are one of those people who take someone out to dinner on their birthday and then gleefully announce said birthday to the wait staff, under the misguided notion that public humiliation and off-key singing are somehow a fun way to celebrate the aging process."

Sheppard simply grinned at him and bumped his shoulder again.

"Bastard," Rodney muttered under his breath, taking the wooden cup proffered by the tribal elder and bringing it up to his nose. He sniffed hesitantly, then whispered, "If this has citrus in it and I die of anaphylactic shock, it'll be all your fault," before taking a drink. It was surprisingly good, tasting almost like the raspberry iced tea some fast food restaurants served. He missed fast food restaurants.

"I would've tasted it for you, if you'd asked," Sheppard whispered back, with a definite pout.

Rodney had the urge to ask him if he could possibly act any more like a five-year-old. Instead, he said, "Yes, well, it's a little late for that now, isn't it?" He drained the cup and nodded to the elder as he handed it back. "Thank you, that was lovely." The elder bowed in return and wished him a joyful celebration of the day before moving away, back toward the village's central square.

Rodney looked at Sheppard. "Shouldn't you and Teyla be negotiating for food?" he asked pointedly. "Instead of playing Intergalactic Party Planner?"

Sheppard raised his hands in mock surrender and stood up. "Whatever the birthday boy wants," he said, backing away.

"I have a gun, Major." Rodney glared as his statement only made Sheppard's grin wider. It was going to be a long, long day.

It was about an hour later, as he was taking scans and digital photos of the ruins just outside the village, when Teyla sought him out. "Dr. McKay," she said, smiling widely. "Major Sheppard tells me that today is the anniversary of your birth."

"Yes, yes," he waved her away, "happy birthday to me. Thank you. Goodbye." He frowned and turned back to the scanner. "Don't forget to ask the natives if they have anything resembling cocoa or coffee beans."

His voice rose significantly on the last word as Teyla's arms wrapped around him from behind and her hands slid from his waist down to his hips, heading for dangerous territory. The scanner clattered to the stone pathway as Rodney spun around and started to back away, staring at her and looking, he was sure, unflatteringly similar to a deer in headlights.

"Um...." For once, he couldn't seem to find anything rude or sarcastic to say, because Teyla was advancing on him, her movements predatory, and this was pretty much the absolute last thing he'd expected to happen, ever. Then his back hit a stone wall and he opened his mouth to ask her what the hell was going on, but found he was hampered by the fact that her body was pressed up against his and moving in ways that should probably be illegal.

Taking a deep breath, he said, "I realise that intelligence is a huge turn-on for some women, and that—" he pushed her hands away from where an erection had begun to tent out the front of his khakis, "—that someone as brilliant as myself can sometimes be almost irresistibly attractive, but—" God, the woman was like an octopus; every time he got her hands off one sensitive portion of his anatomy, she was groping another.

"Teyla!" He put his hands against her shoulders and tried to hold her at arm's length, but he was hampered by the fact that he really didn't want to hurt her and she seemed to have no such compunctions regarding him. "Stop!"

She bit her lower lip and looked at him like he was a particularly tasty dessert, then she leaned forward and licked his mouth slowly and sensuously. "Mmmm, Doctor, you have such a pleasant taste," she said, her hands working at his zipper. "Does all of your skin have the same flavour, I wonder?"

Oh yeah, there was no way he was getting out of this one on his own. By the time he managed to get his radio activated, she had one hand inside his pants and the other up the front of his shirt, her nails tracing almost painful patterns on his chest, and it was clear that he wasn't going to get her off of him without hurting one or both of them. "Lieutenant! Major! A little help, here!" he said, trying to keep the edge of panic out of his voice.

Ford was the first to respond. "Where are you, Doctor?"

As Rodney tilted his head up to look around, Teyla sank her teeth into his neck—not hard enough to draw blood, but definitely hard enough to impair his ability to think, let alone talk. "On the gate side of the village," he panted, "in the ruins. Hurry."

"On my way," Ford said.

The radio clicked again. "What's wrong, McKay?" Sheppard sounded concerned.

"It's Teyla," he hedged, not wanting to be too specific over an open radio channel. "She's...behaving strangely." And then he really couldn't talk anymore, because Teyla was _good_ with her hands and it had been at least six months since anyone but him had touched his dick; at this point it was pretty much all he could do to stand upright because his knees kept trying to buckle.

And of course Ford showed up just as Rodney climaxed, because today _was_ his birthday, after all, and that meant there would be no end to the humiliations. He let his head fall back against the stone wall and tried to ignore the fact that Teyla was licking her hand clean with every indication of enjoyment. Ford's eyes were huge, and Rodney quickly shoved himself back into his boxers and zipped up his fly.

"Don't just stand there, Lieutenant," he snapped, "Get her off me." Now Teyla was straddling his thigh and rubbing herself against him, and he felt an irrational flash of guilt because she hadn't gotten off yet.

"Sir?" Ford obviously thought he was crazy.

Rodney glared. "Does this look like typical behaviour for Teyla? For that matter, does it look like typical behaviour for me?"

After a second, Ford shook his head. "No, I don't suppose it does, sir," he said, and stepped forward to grab one of Teyla's arms.

"Maybe," Rodney said with exaggerated patience as he watched Ford pick himself up off the ground, "it would be a good idea to try to _subdue_ her in some fashion."

In the end, Ford put her in a choke hold until she passed out. Once they were sure she was unconscious but still breathing, Ford swung her up over his shoulder and headed toward the gate.

Rodney's hand was halfway to his radio when it clicked and Sheppard asked, "Ford? McKay? What's your status?"

"The situation is under control, sir." Ford sounded a little out of breath.

"We're heading for the gate, Major," Rodney added. "Something is obviously wrong with Teyla, and we need to get her back to Atlantis as soon as possible."

"On my way," Sheppard acknowledged. "Take her through as soon as you get there, but leave the wormhole open for me. I won't be more than a minute or two behind you."

Carson and his team made it to the gate room about thirty seconds after Rodney and Ford stepped out of the event horizon, and Ford looked relieved as they helped him shift Teyla onto the gurney. The gurney was wheeled away, but Carson stayed behind.

"What happened?" he asked, looking back and forth between Ford and Rodney.

Ford looked at Rodney, who could feel his face heating up.

"I was doing some scans of the ruins," he started, then stopped when he realised his scanner was still there, where he'd dropped it when Teyla first showed up. Carson tried to say something, but Rodney held up his index finger and then activated his radio. "Major, are you still near the village?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I dropped my scanner in the ruins on the gate side of the village. It should be on the path between a three-metre-high wall and a pyramid-shaped pile of stone blocks."

There was a melodramatic sigh. "I'll get it. I want you to know, though, that I'm not buying you any new toys if you don't take care of the ones you have, Rodney," Sheppard said, and the radio clicked off.

Carson was looking at him expectantly. Rodney lowered his voice and said, "Anyway, I was scanning the ruins, and Teyla came over to...talk to me." He really didn't need anyone else knowing it was his birthday; he had no idea how Sheppard had found out in the first place. "She came up behind me and—"

"Rodney," Elizabeth interrupted from behind him, "has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing ass? I'll bet I could bounce a quarter off it."

It was almost like _déjà vu_ ; Elizabeth's hands slid over the curve of his backside and he spun around to face her, barely registering Ford and Carson's shocked expressions.

"This!" he nearly shouted, pointing at Elizabeth. "This is the kind of thing Teyla did." He backed up a step and Elizabeth followed, her gaze raking over him like he was a side of beef. "Carson, do something!"

Ford and Bates stepped between him and Elizabeth and he was able to get a few feet away from her; he leaned against the wall, feeling marginally safer with it at his back. At least no one else would be sneaking up behind him.

He looked up to see Carson giving him a speculative look as Bates led Elizabeth up the stairs to her office. "What?" he demanded. "I know women tend to find me incredibly sexy, but I've never had to actually fight them off before. Well, there was that time with Sam, but—"

"You seem to be the point of commonality here, Rodney," Carson said. "I'll need you in the infirmary for some tests."

He shook his head adamantly. "No way, Carson. Not with Teyla in there. And I'm not going anywhere there might be women, either. I'm going to go lock myself in my...room." He'd been going to say 'lab' but then he'd had a sudden flash of Perkins—irresistibly blonde Perkins, with her infamous Photoshop skills and her digital camera—and he'd suddenly decided there was only one safe place to be in Atlantis.

"All right," Carson said, sighing. "I suppose I'll have to come to you, then."

Rodney pushed off the wall and headed out of the gate room. About five metres along the corridor that led from the control room to the living quarters he passed Peter Grodin, who turned and called after him, "Dr. McKay, a moment please?"

By the time he turned around, Peter was well into his personal space, and for the third time in less than an hour Rodney found himself backing into a wall while someone advanced on him like they were starving and he was lunch. If it weren't so disturbing, it might almost be funny.

"Carson! Lieutenant Ford!" He was pleased to note that while there was still a note of urgency in his voice, he'd completely managed to avoid a panicked whine.

Ford skidded around the corner just as Peter plastered himself against Rodney and started to duck in for a kiss. That also happened to be exactly the moment it occurred to Rodney that he was armed, and it turned out that a handgun pressed to the testicles was a reasonably effective deterrent.

Once a couple of Marines had come and taken Peter away, Ford said, "If you want, I can escort you to your quarters, Doc."

"Yes, well so long you can keep your hands to yourself, that's fine." He was starting to get twitchy now, and he debated for a minute before deciding not to re-holster his gun.

Ford flashed him a megawatt smile. "Nothing personal, Doc. You're just not my type."

"I didn't actually think I was Peter's type, either, but that didn't seem to stop him."

There was another rough moment when Ford tried to post a guard on Rodney's door and they discovered that Rodney was definitely Stackhouse's type—Rodney briefly wondered how "don't ask, don't tell" was going to fare in this particular situation—but then Ford seemed to get everything worked out and Rodney sat down with his laptop and a cup of coffee.

A few minutes later Carson came, poked and prodded, asked a million irritating and pointless questions, and then left with several vials of blood that Rodney would really rather have kept in his circulatory system, thanks very much.

It was several hours before there was another knock at Rodney's door. "Who is it?" he asked, irritated to realise that he sounded nervous.

Sheppard's voice came through the door. "It's just me, McKay. We finished the debriefing and I brought you your scanner."

Rodney opened the door and nodded to the Marine who stood guard outside. Sheppard stepped past him into the room and the doors barely had time to slide shut before Rodney was—for the _fourth_ time today—pinned to the wall by someone intent on feeling him up like he was a ripe cantaloupe.

"Major, I—" He tried to object, really he did. He even tried briefly to push Sheppard away, because he _knew_ it wasn't fair to take advantage of someone who obviously couldn't help himself. He'd been too surprised by Teyla's actions—and too worried about hurting her because she was a woman, which was probably incredibly sexist of him, but there you were—to effectively stop her, but he really should shout for the guard who was standing just outside the door or even pull his weapon like he had with Peter. He should.

But then Sheppard looked at him, eyes dark with arousal, and whispered Rodney's name as he ground his erection into Rodney's hip and rational thought shut down. The scanner dropped to the floor and he couldn't even bring himself to care; one of Sheppard's hands was cupped along his jaw and the other was unfastening his belt, and his brain cells were shorting out left and right.

"Here, let me...." He reached down to help Sheppard with the belt, too turned on to be embarrassed by the way his hands were shaking.

"Rodney?" Carson's voice was loud in his ear and Rodney froze, reality suddenly crashing down around him.

He put a hand in the middle of Sheppard's chest and pushed him away, just far enough so that he could catch his breath, and said, "Yes, Carson. Do you have the answer to our little dilemma?" Sheppard's thumb idly stroked his collarbone.

"Yes, actually." Relief swept through him at Carson's words. "Your bloodwork came up clean, so Teyla and Ford went back to talk to the Takuran elders, in the hopes that they could offer some insight."

Rodney shifted from foot to foot impatiently, "Yes, yes, wonderful. But what did they _say_?" He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms, and then suddenly everything just clicked into place. "Wait, wait. It was that damned raspberry iced tea stuff they gave me, wasn't it?" _It's all your fault,_ he mouthed at Sheppard, who just leaned forward and licked the skin he'd been caressing.

"Yes," Carson answered patiently. "Near as I can tell, the drink increases your pheromone production at least tenfold, making you irresistible to...well, to anyone who fancies men, in point of fact."

Right. That fit in with the hypothesis he'd been developing based on the available empirical evidence, except that somehow he'd never pictured Sheppard as someone who was interested in guys. Still, the past few minutes made a pretty convincing case in favour of that conclusion.

"So how long before it wears off?" he demanded. "When will it be safe for me to go back to working in my lab or, you know, go to the mess hall to get something to _eat_ , for God's sake? If it takes too much longer, you're going to have to send someone—someone _safe_ —to my room with food, because I'm starving already."

There was a long pause before Carson answered. "You should be fine now, Rodney. According to the Takuran elders, the effect should only have lasted about an hour."

"Is that so? Well, then, perhaps you'd care to explain...." His voice trailed off as Sheppard flashed him a wicked grin and a wink, and then slowly leaned forward to lick a stripe up the side of Rodney's neck. Rodney closed his eyes briefly, shivering at the hard press of Sheppard's body against his. "Never mind, Carson. You know what? You're absolutely right. McKay out."

He tugged the radio earpiece off and tossed it onto his desk, then tangled his fingers in Sheppard's hair and pulled him in for a kiss. "Bastard," he said softly as their mouths parted again.

Sheppard just grinned at him. "Happy birthday, Rodney."


End file.
